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Soo I think my questioning phase is kinda over ! I think I’m fully accepting my identity as trans woman, just following the euphoria where it leads me !
I just can’t wait to try girl clothes, I will order them next month and will spend more time with a queer friend so she can teach me makeup. The look I’m going for is kinda “casual goth”, like doc martens, black dress/metal tshirt with a skirt and a few (seemingly) golden jewelry. I already have tatoos lmao. But I don’t know if that’ll be a good look, I’ll see !
My first experience with a sport bra was kinda meh. It was complicated to put on and doesn’t really do anything for me in terms of dysphoria/euphoria. I guess that may come with girl clothes and makeup to “complete the look”. As opposed to mascara, nail polish and blue lenses (for some reason !). But the nail polish… oh god what a catastrophy. I’m all shaky and putting polish all over my fingers. And sadly, I’m completely incapable of using my blue lenses which really help with my dysphoria.
I’m training my voice too and try to speak with a softer voice with my roomates (which are accepting and very cool). I’m not comfortable with using the full-on girl voice without a woman outfit though, just shy and dysphoric I guess.
BUT, in other news, CW: bad family
My brother called me for help because he just couldn’t stomach my father’s behavior anymore. I always thought I was crazy, like other “adults” told me when I complained. But having my little brother describing exactly how I felt for years was a wake up call and I had to get him out of here. So, I spent the weekend helping him, reassuring him, helping him find an appartment (which I will pay for so he can be independant from my parents). This all culminated with a call to my aunt because we both were like “are we crazy ? are we just making it all up ? Are we just ungrateful children ?” and we needed an ally in the family. Thankfully she was 100% on our side and he will live at her house while searching for an appartment.
Now I can finally disappear from this family, which is actually a relief and means I can go through the transition process with more peace of mind. I just blocked my father and will hope my mom gets out of there. But as my aunt said “just forget about it all, live your life”. So, I will. My steps are a bit shaky for now though. My determination will come back in time.
Ooof sorry I needed to vent and put that all in writing. How’s my week been ? Intense.