I’m AFAB non-binary (biologically female and raised as a girl, but I don’t identify as either male or female in my head), but I’m not a parent so please take this with a big grain of salt.
I knew from Miniest’s age, and even before, that I wasn’t like the other kids. I was too much of a “girl” for the boys to include me, and too much of a “boy” for the girls to include me. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, because I wanted to wear dresses but also wanted to play footy and play with “boy” toys (I so badly wanted hot wheels. I got a Barbie doll 🤦♀️). I had no words to describe myself, I would cry because I felt like I didn’t fit in or belong anywhere. Didn’t help that mum refused to dress me in feminine clothes because of her own trauma (fear of men staring at me 🙄) but her family would ask me why I dress like a boy. It was very confusing and traumatising on top of everything else I was dealing with.
It took me a long time, not until I was 28 to realise I was NB, and to also allow myself to dress both femininely and masculinely without feeling awful and gross. And that was because I was reading posts from other NBs and I felt so seen and understood. I don’t do anything different now, I still look and sound like a woman. I dress femininely and masculinely equally, I’m confident telling people my pronouns are they/them but also accept that I will be referred to as she/her because I’m not overly androgynous. The difference is, is that I don’t think I’m inherently “wrong” for being this way, and I accept myself with kindness. It doesn’t change who I am, but I am much more confident and happy with myself.
Miniest also is about to hit puberty, and it’s just going to involve a lot of labels and discovery on her part. They might not feel “female” now, but that can change, and might change a lot or not at all. They might try on different labels and styles, as it’s a journey of discovering oneself and accepting oneself fully and wholly.
The best thing you can do is just, try to accept it? Accept that right now, Miniest doesn’t feel particularly “female” in their head, accept that that might change as they grow and discover who they are. Personally, I’d avoid asking too many questions, especially as it can (but not always!) feel like an interrogation, but just reinforce that you love and and accept Miniest no matter what. That their journey and who they are, who they will become, will not ever change how much you love Miniest. That’s the most important part - that Miniest knows that no matter what, you will always have their back and be in their corner.
I can’t speak for the parent side of it, I’m sorry. But I do know that Miniest will always need you on their side.
Thankyou for sharing your story… Wow I could relate to much of this, the whole too much a girl to be included with the boys and vice versa, and even the Hot Wheels (mum stubbornly kept buying me dolls and I’d put them in the cupboard and refuse to play with them). I can see Miniest as NB, if anyone in the family is going to challenge binary thinking it’ll be her! I try to tell my kids I love them no matter what quite often; my own mother’s love was strictly conditional and transactional and I suffered greatly because of it. I think you’re right too about her trying on a few different labels and identities as she grows, I can really see her doing that.
I’m AFAB non-binary (biologically female and raised as a girl, but I don’t identify as either male or female in my head), but I’m not a parent so please take this with a big grain of salt.
I knew from Miniest’s age, and even before, that I wasn’t like the other kids. I was too much of a “girl” for the boys to include me, and too much of a “boy” for the girls to include me. I thought there was something terribly wrong with me, because I wanted to wear dresses but also wanted to play footy and play with “boy” toys (I so badly wanted hot wheels. I got a Barbie doll 🤦♀️). I had no words to describe myself, I would cry because I felt like I didn’t fit in or belong anywhere. Didn’t help that mum refused to dress me in feminine clothes because of her own trauma (fear of men staring at me 🙄) but her family would ask me why I dress like a boy. It was very confusing and traumatising on top of everything else I was dealing with.
It took me a long time, not until I was 28 to realise I was NB, and to also allow myself to dress both femininely and masculinely without feeling awful and gross. And that was because I was reading posts from other NBs and I felt so seen and understood. I don’t do anything different now, I still look and sound like a woman. I dress femininely and masculinely equally, I’m confident telling people my pronouns are they/them but also accept that I will be referred to as she/her because I’m not overly androgynous. The difference is, is that I don’t think I’m inherently “wrong” for being this way, and I accept myself with kindness. It doesn’t change who I am, but I am much more confident and happy with myself.
Miniest also is about to hit puberty, and it’s just going to involve a lot of labels and discovery on her part. They might not feel “female” now, but that can change, and might change a lot or not at all. They might try on different labels and styles, as it’s a journey of discovering oneself and accepting oneself fully and wholly.
The best thing you can do is just, try to accept it? Accept that right now, Miniest doesn’t feel particularly “female” in their head, accept that that might change as they grow and discover who they are. Personally, I’d avoid asking too many questions, especially as it can (but not always!) feel like an interrogation, but just reinforce that you love and and accept Miniest no matter what. That their journey and who they are, who they will become, will not ever change how much you love Miniest. That’s the most important part - that Miniest knows that no matter what, you will always have their back and be in their corner.
I can’t speak for the parent side of it, I’m sorry. But I do know that Miniest will always need you on their side.
Thankyou for sharing your story… Wow I could relate to much of this, the whole too much a girl to be included with the boys and vice versa, and even the Hot Wheels (mum stubbornly kept buying me dolls and I’d put them in the cupboard and refuse to play with them). I can see Miniest as NB, if anyone in the family is going to challenge binary thinking it’ll be her! I try to tell my kids I love them no matter what quite often; my own mother’s love was strictly conditional and transactional and I suffered greatly because of it. I think you’re right too about her trying on a few different labels and identities as she grows, I can really see her doing that.
Spud, that is so beautifully put. 💜
Thank you! I hope it came across as kind! I’m certainly not judging Peeler!
Just hoped to give my thoughts as someone who is what Miniest seems to identify with presently 💜💜
Miniest is in good hands with Peeler, I believe that wholeheartedly!!
I appreciate your thoughts 💜