Edit (Feel like i need to put this up top): Some of yall think I’m intent on being a deadbeat and that I was in the “100% never want to have kids” boat and reluctantly obliged. It was a much more careful calculation than that and I decided to do it on my own. That was just for contrxt to explain my hesitancy. We planned this shit to a T from start to finish. I’m not asking for anyone to ridicule me for “fucking up”. I’m asking for advice on the situation I’m in because there is no path backwards and I intend to be a baller dad regardless of how I feel about it. There are a lot of emotions you can easily force but this is not one of them. So all the dipshits telling me what I should have done before having this kid can eat a giant bag of used needles. That being said, thank you to all of the normal fucking people who can actually read a situation and offer helpful insight/advice instead of reverting to a bridge troll. I may not respond to all of the comments because of the volume but I am grateful for the support.
New dad of a 3wk old.
I always figured I’d have a kid(s) because…that’s what you do right? My wife pushed me for years and wanted 5 kids. I always said we should start with 1, so here we are. I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don’t have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don’t feel like that), not understanding what it means to be “happy”…stuff like that.
During pregnancy, I took on essentially all household chores and made her hot breakfast before she left for work every morning at 5am. I never felt some primal compulsion to do all of this but she was struggling and I wanted to do what I could. I kept saying to myself that the paternal instinct would kick in at some point and banked on that.
When the kid was born and I held him for the first time, I felt nothing. Figured it would happen in time. 3 weeks in, I’m still on overdrive, doing essentially all chores, changing/feeding him through the night, and still feeling nothing besides growing resentment. I’m not a monster so I won’t shake the kid or anything but I just feel no desire to do any of this. I always hated the sound of kids crying and wanted this kid to be different in that respect but I still hate it and my blood starts to boil the longer he cries (again, I’m not going to hurt this kid. I’m not a violent person).
The only pressure I feel to keep going is to not get arrested for neglect, and so my family/friends/colleagues dont think im a giant piece of shit. I feel no compulsion out of love for this child. I’ve had no “my whole world changed and I’d die for this kid” moment other than the fact that people would be real upset with me if I didn’t die for him.
My wife has been struggling and I’m trying to get her to seek additional help (already sees therapist every 2 weeks) but she frequently spirals into a place where she feels like she can’t do it or feels like a failure for not doing enough or direct breast feeding because he wouldn’t stay awake while feeding (she’s pumping like a champ. Our freezer has a gallon of milk already and im constantly playing up her wins). I keep doing what I can to calm her fears and anxieties which aren’t specifically new but now have new context. I feel like if I break down at all, she won’t be able to handle it and I have to constantly keep the mood/morale up because if I don’t, everything will go to even deeper shit. She’s the one who wanted 5 kids and I’m now the one holding it together for us. I feel like the TikTok/Instagram virus tricked her into thinking that motherhood was all beautiful flowers and spending quality time with her perfect baby but it’s a lot of gross shit and hard work from recovery to breast feeding/pumping and diapers (although I’m changing 90% of the diapers). I was not nieve to any of this. I knew what it entailed.
Anyway, I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever feel any compulsion to keep going like I am aside from legal and societal pressure. I can figure it out if it will never happen, but it would make things a whole lot easier if it did. I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it’s a job and I hate my job even though I’m killing it in the effort game. Literally the only good thing so far is that my mom is over the moon about the kid and it’s the first time I’ve seen her happy since my dad died 2 yrs ago.
This is a super common and often unspoken phenomenon for fathers. It took me two years to feel emotionally attached to my first. Those two years sucked. It felt like all work, no reward. I powered through because love is a choice and I love my family. Slowly but surely, it happened. It happens for most of us. Especially as they start taking interests in the things we are interested in. You start seeing yourself in them - their looks and how they behave.
I am 99% sure you’ll end up loving your kids. I have three now. Just power through. You’re FAR from alone. Ask me if you have any questions.
I’m another father putting my hand up here for going through the same stuff. Life isn’t like the movies most of the times you don’t have an epiphany moment where it all snaps into place and you turn in to some super hero father. You just go day by day getting through all the shit (god so many diapers) and the pain and the stress and one you realise you’ve all survived and you’re a family.
My wife went through the same feelings of inadequacy because she had to pump too. She couldn’t get the little ratbag to latch. One practical thing that I did was talk up how awesome it was for me that she was pumping because it let me take so feeding times. I told her that by letting me be the parent who’s feeding the baby gave the baby time to bond with me.It took me a couple months.
Similar for me… I felt for my son from birth but not this life-changing wave of paternity that is often portrayed in media. Similar to OP, more like this is a little being that depends on me and I owe it to him and my partner to be responsible. Shit is hard, though.
When I really started connecting with him was when he started showing personality around 6 months, then even more so as he started getting language and mental faculties.
We were told in prenatal classes that on average babies cry about 2 hours/day, and that’s true around the world. Different cultures perceive it differently and thus feel like there’s more or less crying. Maybe this knowledge can help you to take a step back and look at the crying situation more objectively. Maybe not. It is the only way your little one knows to communicate the smallest discomfort right now, and everything bad is also literally the worst thing that has ever happened to them.
We had more like 8 hours of crying due to health challenges and bad advice, and that will shred your soul. If you’re consistently way above the 2 hour mark, do say to your support team. PM me if you want and I’ll share some more thoughts because our team was shit and we had to figure it out ourselves.
Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you’ll still be with your SO.
Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there’s no single “clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU’RE A DAD YOU’RE A DAD” moment.
But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.
And then you blink and they’re a teenager and suddenly they’re too cool to say “I love you Daddy” anymore and you aren’t prepared for how much that hurts.
So anyway that’s how it happens. Btw for what it’s worth, I don’t think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That’s… why we’re all here.
At three months, my son started smiling. That’s when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.
Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don’t know if I could have done it without them.
Yes, your mom is over the moon, perhaps she’s willing to come help out with chores and feeding/diapering, cooking, laundry?
A little tip: I kept a small pail of water with detergent in it to drop clothing items in that had milk, spit-up and other lovely things, between laundry loads. It prevented staining and sour milk smells and saved time and energy costs.
Dad of two boys here. My wife and I luckily had kids when I was in my late 20s/early 30s. When I look back on it now, I don’t think I could ever do the grind we did when they were babies. I remember showing up at work one day and I had only shaved the right half of my face because I was so sleep deprived. My wife and I would take turns getting up at night to feed our sons. At one point at like 3am I was burping my son on my shoulder and he threw up all over my back.
This might sound like doom and gloom, but trust me, it gets better. Your kiddo will blow your mind when you least expect it. They’ll say and do things that will catch you completely off guard and it’ll stick with you for the rest of your life. The first 6 months are going to be rough, but it gets better. Hang in there.
Disclaimer: I don’t have kids. Feel free to ignore.
As far as I know, this is not that rare. Maybe you could go a more practical route. It’s not obligatory to have lots of instincts kick in, but it is expected that you take care of the kid. It is however likely that after a while that you’ll get some neat experiences with the kid. Funny episodes. After a while they might even turn into a good friend.
Anyway. Hats off to you. Good luck
For me it did get better but that thought (that I was never fully on board) may always be in the back of your mind.
We have 2. I was mostly up for it the first time but still had a lot of time in the first few months (for both kids) where, if I were typing my experience out, I also would have had to reassure people I was not violent. Very shortly after our second was born I got a vasectomy, which gave me some peace of mind.
The first 3 months were really rough for me, and then the next 3 were a little easier, and after 6 months they become humans and are a bit more interesting. Around a year when they start walking, and especially when they start talking a bit later it can be a lot of fun. But not all of it; there will still be incredibly frustrating moments where you’ll wonder why you got into it at all (which is obviously true of nearly anything).
So it does get better, especially once they get beyond the potato stage, and right now you just have to keep them - and yourself - alive (which isn’t too difficult, thankfully).
Shifting the goal posts banking on this. Every time I said something like “they’re not real people until you can start communicating with them” i caught a bunch of flack. Glad I’m not the only one. People always asked me if I wanted to meet their 8wk old baby and I saw no point to it.
They go through a bunch of phases in the first three years:
- houseplant (need to be watered and fed, don’t interact much),
- blind kitten (need to be fed, not in control of movements, don’t really interact, can move)
- kitten - can move and interact, not really in control of actions.
- Puppy - can interact, likes playing, not in control of emotions, can move
- drunk troll - likes moving, vaguely understands what’s happening, gets upset for weird reasons, starting to express love towards you, destroys things for fun/frustration
And then they start getting more like people. It’s easier to interact with them. As they get closer to creatures we understand, it will be easier to love them.
Good luck. It gets easier and better.
Well they are ready people. They just haven’t learned how to identify emotions or other distress, and only have one way to vocalize it. They’re extremely vulnerable. Also, they don’t know the difference between colic, hunger, constipation and other physical distress, and neither do you, without experience. A sharp, shrieking wail can be a clue that it’s probably something other than hungry/nappy needs changing. Also, keep genitals covered with the used diaper until the fresh one is ready for use.
Newborns are not even sentient enough to be persons. Humans are born prematurely, because our heads are so big we can’t be born fully developed, like most mammals, without risking the mother’s life. Their brains are not there yet.
Newborns are undercooked persons.
Summary: Newfound evidence indicates that conscious experiences start as early as in late pregnancy. The study suggests that an infant’s brain is capable of forming conscious experiences that shape their emergent self and environmental understanding.
I agree that being capable of having experiences is a requirement for being a person, but it is not what defines a person, otherwise pet turtles would be persons.
Newborns are humans, and they develop into persons given time.
I agree that once they pass the “potato” phase and start behaving like humans, it becomes easier to connect and like them.
That being said, OP and his wife should go to therapy together. It could be that he feels drained from having to be there all the time, and they need to talk this over before it becomes a problem. Maybe OP’s not feeling apathy, but exhaustion.
Yeah, i agree that could be helpful, but if OP is already feeling like they’re not able to do what they want to then it may be a stretch to add (and coordinate their, their partner’s, both parties’ work if in the US, and potentially a sitter’s schedules) may be asking too much.
At that age, there is almost certainly a lot of exhaustion (which doesn’t do great things for apathy itself) so I’m sure thats a part of it.
I too dont have any kids but to me, this is a key point in a relationship. You not wanting kids and her wanting 5 maybe should have been a flag before having kids
That said, it is what it is, and you are in it now so get the best out of it
There are pris and cons to having kids. Try to focus on the good things
I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It’s normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It’s a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.
It’s not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.
If you need help reach out to family and friends if that’s possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.
I’m a little intrigued and confused by this. You had not one, not two, but THREE kids and you didn’t want any of them? I’m not judging but I’m really confused. Are you doing it to please your partner? Isn’t this a recipe for disaster?
I have a friend that is expecting his FOURTH kid and he’s the same: he never wanted more than two. And he looks miserable ALL THE TIME. Those kids are not going to get the adequate love - I’m sorry just because they have a meal and a roof on their head, that’s not love.
For context: I have two kids. One of them has a disability. The energy it takes to give them love and take care of them is so much esp because of the one with a disability. I would kill myself if I had a third kid. Again. Not judging. I’m just trying to understand
I did not really want a kid but got one, the second one was wanted, the third one a surprise.
I am lucky to be in a good place in life and with a partner that is a great mother and we are a good team all around in regards to raising a family. Our kids get a lot of love from both of us and I like to think we provide them with an environment in which they can thrive.
But let’s be frank, raising kids is rewarding but still can be hard even when your situation is good. It takes a massive amount of time, energy and money. Having childs is often portrayed as a somewhat easy heavenly thing, which is not true.
I can only imagine the amount of work a disabled kid requires and to be honest I don’t know if I could make it. You have my respect for that.
Ok that makes a lot more sense. Thanks for clarifying. We take it one day at a time. Thanks!
I have a 7 year old and can tell you your feelings are justified and not entirely unique. Father’s have issues bonding and it takes time, at 3 weeks all the thing does is shit, eat, and sleep. Good on you for helping your wife with her post pardum and she continue to seek help with that. If it all begins to feel overwhelming, you should seek help too because men can also have post pardum, especially if the resentment builds and you begin having negative thoughts about neglecting the child.
All in all, the only thing I can really recommend is that you trudge through, lean on your wife a little more, she can probably take it, especially if you open up to her about your struggles. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture for a reason, but kids to begin to sleep better and have more of an emotional connection in the 3-6 month range.
Good luck.
There’s nothing wrong with not feeling some life changing experience when holding your child. Some people do, some don’t and it is a bit overplayed by people.
Taking care of a baby is hard work and tiring. It can be overwhelming for first time parents and I recommend you talk with your wife about it and look into sharing the workload better so you can both get some time for yourselves, you could also ask your mother or other family members to help watch the kid so you and your wife can get a night out and relax. It will help a lot.
As for the other feelings I would honestly advise you to look into getting some professional help if possible. You can talk to your GP about it and they they can advise you on what to do or recommend you to specialized help.
But yea, hang in there, it gets better and as the kid grows they will be able to take care of themselves more and your workload will get lower. Though I have to warn you that if you build resentment for them they will pick it up at some point and they will be crushed. It shatters my heart to see kid suffer like that.
Yeah. Definitely trying to quell at least the outward if not inward resentment. I don’t hate the kid, I just have no “natural feelings” from what I’m reading, by 3-6 months when they start to resemble a person, it gets better, so I guess I’ll bank on that for now
You should not have had the kid, because you weren’t 100% invested in it
But, it’s too late now
You put your big-boy pants on, and you work. You don’t ever let the kid know that you fucked-up
This is your burden to bear. Be a man and get on with it, and give that kid the best life you can
And for fuck’s sake, have a vasectomy right now so that you don’t have a bandaid to try to unfuck this situation and make it worse
Looks like you missed almost all the points i made and it sounds like you need a hug
I felt similarly to you, wasn’t really naive about what was involved but when we got into it after the birth it was like a cold shower - I questioned what I got myself into and felt super negative about it all. Babies crying also just seems to have this awful effect of making my blood boil too - amplified by poor sleeping from getting up multiple times in the night. Had to learn where my limits are and when to take a break/lean on my wife. My wife wanted 3 originally, which turned into 2 after we realized what having a kid is like lol, 2 is still a lot in my opinion.
Suffice to say it was extremely unpleasant for a while. Eventually, the kid started to become more interactive and that helped me significantly at least. When you can get a smile or a laugh out of them helps a lot. Slowly gets better as I can have little conversations with them now. It takes a while for that stuff to start happening though unfortunately.
I empathize with your situation though, at the time it felt like all the thoughts and feelings I was having were wrong and I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. It’s frustrating when it feels like society is telling you you’re supposed to feel a certain way when you don’t. I wished my parents were more honest with me about what they were experiencing when they had me but I chalk that up to them honestly not remembering, so I swore I would do my best to remember how miserable it can get so I can be honest if my kids ever ask and they can make more informed decisions. I don’t regret having kids, they do bring me a lot of joy and pride as they get older now, but I regret making the decision to have them so lightly is all.
Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.
Just chiming in real quick, don’t have much time to write, i’m a father of 2.
It gets better my dear stranger. It actualy gets only better and better, it still amazes me.
3 weeks is just really the hardest part. But you have dedication (kudos on the breakfasts in bed) and you are not a violent person (how many times I have wanted to rip their head off lol) so you are already a great parent.
Parenting is just gross shit and hard work, but that’s what we do, so let’s do it really well. We owe it to ourselves. Keep on keeping on
First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.
You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it’s self inflicted.
The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn’t. Don’t stress about it. It’s normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it’s a personality trait.
You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don’t have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you’ll grow comfortable with the other’s presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.
The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don’t have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.
You’re the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?
You’ve started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you’ll find along the way if anything, but as you’ve already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you’ll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.
Good luck, pops! You’re a role model now!
Not sure why you had to be so condescending. I’m asking for insight into feelings im not feeling that everyone told me i would have, not for someone to tell me I fucked up. I consulted like 30 people before we made the decision to move ahead with it and not a single person said I shouldn’t go ahead with it. I’m literally doing everything possible aside from feeding him with my man tits from the basic needs to reading and singing to this kid.
First of all, I want to salute you for reaching out and seeking advice. You are doing the right thing and obviously you are doing your best to step up and be a good father. It also sounds like you have a lot on your plate and are tethering on the edge.
I do question the advice of your friends. You talked to THIRTY people and you were transparent that you didn’t want children and they ALL said you should go ahead with it? I’m sorry. Children are not tamagochis or plants. If any friend ever came to me and so much as hesitated about wanting kids (not flat out indifference or opposition to the concept) I would tell them to pump the breaks. Children are a non-stop commitment.
I have seen WAY too many cases of child neglect and abuse that I’d rather people don’t have children than subject them to the pain I’ve seen.
You’re probably going above and beyond to do your best and applaud you. But I also get the sense that you have a lot on your plate between chores, supporting your partner, and raising a human being! Do you have a support network around you? Grandparents? Can you also seek counseling? I think this is really important. Also postpartum affects men too. It’s real. It can be overwhelming. If you need someone to talk to dm me please. I’m serious.
Best.
100% will not neglect this kid. I’m just asking if the “natural” motivation will kick in.
There’s a good chance you will start to feel different as they grow and you start recognizing yourself in various ways. My wife and I enjoy it a lot to find out whose quirks ended up in which kid. We have two, still young enough that it’s mostly us in their lives. Probably the sweetest period.
I don’t remember feeling significantly about my first one’s birth, I guess it happened gradually along the way.
Neglect can be intentional or unintentional. Even the most competent parents can and will experience exhaustion, burnout, or just general malaise at one point. There is a very famous article from a few years back about the most loving and well meaning parents who forgot their children in their car seats in summer heat.
To your question about making a connection: this will take time but it will happen. The issue is the first six months is such a whirlwind of tasks to keep this human alive that you hardly have a moment to breathe. It’s like having two full time jobs and going to work. But eventually things start to settle down and routines are developed. And then you spend more time playing with them and the connection starts to build. I’m now playing chess with my eight year old and laughing to Calvin and Hobbes jokes together. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
Do look in to if your partner has postpartum. It’s extremely common (including my wife) and is very serious.
As always, my inbox is open.
Cheers
And of those 30 people no one said “Are you sure? Because if you are not, don’t do it.” I mean, I believe you, but that’s cruel. There’s no magic instinct thing that will come over every parent immediately, once they hold their child for the first time. And those people should have known this! Still, they encouraged you to do one of the toughest and life altering things possible and promised you, that you would love it. You won’t. Maybe you never will.
But you can still love your kid, even if you don’t like being a parent. I know fathers who didn’t want to be a parent, but they did their best regardless and now love their kids very much. They still loathe being a parent though.
First year is the toughest in my experience. It gets better. It will never get easy. Find other parents with similar experiences. You are absolutely not alone in this.
Whatever negativity you’re getting from my comment, my tone is in response to your post. If it feels aggressive, it’s because you’re in charge of another life that you borderline see as a burden. Emotions leak out even through text, let alone direct contact. So this “I’m doing this because I have to” attitude I’m getting will affect him as well even if you try not to.
I apologize if this stresses you out further. However, I think you should consider adding some therapy sessions for yourself in order to reconcile with the trajectory of life you were thrust upon that doesn’t match your expectations or desires.
I think you’re taking too much of a burden on your shoulders and it will affect your interactions with all of your family members regardless of your intentions.
Again, good luck and try to find a healthy way to vent in advance in case of any unexpected situations.
You forgot to consult yourself it seems.
First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.
Condescending and privileged AF.
